Wednesday, August 31, 2011

More blatant plagiarism. But this is just too good.

The following (written in black) is a hilarious soliloquy from another profile I came across on the dating website I belong to.  I don't know whether this guy is serious or not, but his vile remarks and twisted descriptions of needs in a partner is genius! What a gem! Warning: this stuff is quite vulgar.
Let’s talk about you. Do you have any self-inflicted burns or scars? Are there multiple restraining orders against you? Did you pierce your tongue with a needle and an ice cube? Do you post videos of yourself masturbating on the Internet? Do you see a shrink twice weekly?

If you answered yes to any of these, then I’m interested. Because I'm looking for a crazy bitch who will wreak havoc on my life.

Me: 27, six foot, lawyer. Recently my dating life has gotten really boring. I seem to attract a specific type of girl: structured, “school smart,” and sexless. Think Dorothy. They say things like “I'll have a shirley temple” and "I was really inspired by Barbara Boxer's recent speech to the judiciary committee" and "Who’s Stanley Kubrick?” Frankly, I’m tired of it.

Some of my friends date crazy chicks. They get into drunken fights in the middle of street at 3 AM, throw plates at each other, and sleep with other people to prove a point. These girls usually have tattoos, are bisexual, and supposedly give the best blowjobs.

I want a girl like this. I want to do something I've never done before. For once, I want to date a totally fucking crazy chick.

Our ideal first date would go something like this. We make plans to meet at a bar. You show up forty minutes late. Your eyes are puffy and red. You tell me you’d ran into one of your asshole ex-boyfriends on the street and bitched him out in front of all his stupid friends. You seem very drunk. You order two shots of whiskey and down them both. You excuse yourself. An hour passes. I notice a crowd has gathered out in the street. You return without any shoes, then quickly duck away again when two uniformed police officers arrive and start questioning the bartender. I go to use the men’s room and find you making out with another guy in one of the stalls. I return to the bar and find myself in conversation with a Dorothy seated next to me. She graduated from Pepperdine with a double major in business administration/econ and currently works for Deloitte. Suddenly you’re back, your lips pressed against mine, sticking your tongue down my throat. You turn to Dorothy and tell that cunt to get lost, this man’s spoken for, bitch. We go back to your place and have a threesome with your bisexual roommate Zonofria, who spends her days creating elaborate paintings made entirely out of bodily secretions. The next morning you wake me up because you have to take your son to kindergarten.

In the ensuing months you will slash my tires, tell me you love me, poison my cat, tell me you hate me, and introduce me to David Lynch movies. Your timing will be impeccable; you will always reserve your worst blow-ups for dinners with my family, the office Christmas party, or the night before my big trial. At least once you will make me get out of bed in the middle of the night and come over to your place or else you’re gonna down this entire fucking bottle of Lamictal, like right now and I'm not even joking. We will run into one of your exes nearly every time we go out. You will have an affair with one of them and find a way to blame me.

Shoot me a message if you’re a crazy chick who wants to tear my life to pieces. If you’re wondering about my interests or hobbies, please realize that my only interest once we meet will be managing your unpredictable mood swings and trying to talk you out of putting a brick through my windshield.
What I’m doing with my life
Blocking your phone calls, filing for a restraining order, covering my bruises with concealer.
I’m looking for
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 20-32
  • Near me
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, activity partners, long-distance penpals, casual sex
You should message me if
You're nuts!


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